my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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