ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
