tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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