i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
