She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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