Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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