If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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