census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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