I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
