The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
