Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
