I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
