My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
