it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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