Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
