I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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