I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
