either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Randomize
