Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
