i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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