I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
