i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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