I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.