He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
