two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
