***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
