seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
i think i have two assholes
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
