Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
