Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
