I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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