I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
