I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
