she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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