I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
