how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
