It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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