Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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