Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
