I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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