You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
