i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
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