I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
