My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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