There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I wish there were birth control emojis
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
