I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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