the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
