There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
