You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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