My balls are so social today.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
