She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
