I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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