my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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