u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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