a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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