apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
she smelled like a LAN party
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
