I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
