One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
