I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
