I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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