Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
