Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
